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Coping With Divorce as the Non-Custodial Parent

Most people experience divorce as a very painful time in their lives. Not only have they lost their life partner, but they have also lost all the dreams and hopes they invested in the relationship. But perhaps the most painful blow of all is losing physical custody of one's children. The pain can be so intense that some non-custodial parents avoid visiting and having contact with their children.

Of course, this is often the least constructive approach you could possibly take. Children have a right to know and develop relationships with both their parents, not just the one they happen to live with. This article provides a few tips for coping with divorce if you are the non-custodial parent.

Coping With Divorce #1: Get the Court to Set up a Visitation Schedule and Keep It

Will it be awkward seeing your ex-spouse every weekend when you come to pick up the kids? Sure. But take a deep breath, stay calm, and focus on the matter at hand. If you sense an explosion building, offer to wait in the car until the kids are ready to go.

Coping With Divorce #2: Keep Your Promises

If a client called and asked you to lunch, you wouldn't agree unless you were sure you could make it, would you? Your kids are more important than any of your business clients. Thus, if your child wants to do something special with you, like attend a ball game or spend a weekend at a daddy-daughter day camp, make sure you have the time free and that it is all right with your spouse. If you make a promise and then let your child down, the relationship will suffer for it.

Coping With Divorce #3: Don't Use Your Child as a Spy

It is natural for you to want to know what is going on with your ex-spouse. However, while wanting this information is understandable, pumping your kids for information is not the way to satisfy your inquiring mind. If your child brings the subject up, that is a different story, of course. Just listen politely to the information and then change the subject when the opportunity to arises.

Coping With Divorce #4: If you can't Say Something Good…

Tempting as it may be, don't talk down your ex-spouse when conversing with your kids.

Children sometimes take an active role in this he-said-she-said process, feeling important carrying tales to grownups. They feel extra important if their story gets a strong response. ("That little… I can't believe she said that. Well, you can just tell her…!").

Be smart and take the positive attention away. To any story that starts out, "Dad said….," respond with a vague smile and a disinterested, "Oh, did he really? Tuna would be good for lunch, don't you think?"

Coping With Divorce #5: Get Support

All of the advice in this article is far more easily said than done. You may find it helps to join a support group of other non-custodial parents with whom you can share your laughter and heartaches.