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Anger in
Marriage
Ask 100 married individuals if they have ever experienced anger in marriage, and it’s likely you
will receive 99 “yes” answers. The hold out is likely still on his or her honeymoon, though even that event can
bring some anger and resentment. A few dollops of blame, a smidgen of revenge and a cup full of anger in marriage
is really a recipe for disaster.
Dealing with the eventual anger in marriage should be constructive, rather than destructive. This, of course, is
easier said than done. Below are just a few ways to make the release of anger harmless, and possibly even helpful,
to your marriage.
Before confronting your spouse about anger in your marriage, have an idea what you would like to see change. You
cannot bring bad feelings and complaints to the table without ideas for resolution and avoiding the anger in the
future. If possible, take time to write down what changes you think would help.
Consider whether or not this is a serious issue. You might be angry that your husband forgets to put the toilet
seat down or that your wife spends too much time talking to her mother, but how much does it really hurt your
relationship? Remember, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.”
When the time comes that both of you can talk about your anger without interruption, avoid accusations. Maybe he
doesn’t bring home flowers as often as when you were dating and maybe she doesn’t wear sexy clothes as much, but
avoid accusing your spouse of an affair unless you are sure of it.
Give your spouse the opportunity to defend him or herself. Maybe he thought you liked being alone in the kitchen
when you cook or she mistook your lack of interest in intimacy as you being turned off by her post-pregnancy
weight. There are two sides to every story and it is entirely possible there are reasonable explanations.
Be open to ideas other than your own for resolution of the anger in marriage. You are not the only one that may
have thought these things through and your ideas may not be the only ones brought to the table.
Stick to the issue; don’t rehash old issues that have long been solved. Stay on topic. Figure out what you do agree
on first, and keep returning to those points if things get heated.
When discussing anger in marriage, don’t belittle or put down your spouse’s point of view. It is as important that
you validate your spouse’s side, as it is that he or she validates yours.
There are times when anger seems to boil over. In these instances, it is imperative to keep your emotions in check
and remove yourself if possible, if for a short while. Consider taking a walk, a run, a bike ride or a scream-fest
away from your family. At all costs, you must avoid physical or verbal abuse of your spouse. It is always better to
return to the conversation when feelings are in check and everyone involved is calmer.
If you don’t get your way, do not throw a tantrum or pout to change your spouses mind. Try his or her solution
before bringing it up again. Put all of your effort into making it work rather than holding onto anger.
Take time to enjoy your spouse and the companionship he or she brings to you even when you experience anger in
marriage. The grass isn’t always greener and, quite often, the very issue that upsets you is tied to an attribute
you are attracted to.
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