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Unhappy Marriage
An unhappy marriage can drain you mentally and make you sick physically. Before you pack up and leave, try to
mitigate your damages by following these tips. It goes without saying, of course, that you should leave your
marriage if it is abusive or dangerous.
Don’t throw the towel in too early. There is a lot invested by all parties involved, there’s more on the line than
the happiness of the two that said, “I do.” Consider talking more, fighting less, seeking counseling or taking a
time out. A new relationship takes significantly more time and energy than fixing the one you’re in now.
Consider your children. While you may feel you are missing out if you stay in an unhappy marriage, think about the
destruction a divorce could bring to your children’s life. The longer you can stick it out, the better.
The children may suffer more, however, if your spouse is abusive or is afflicted with an addiction that he or she
will not seek help for. Before packing your bags, utilize as many resources and support groups you can find. Call
the state for help and research groups like Al-Anon (for family members of alcoholics). Find out what help is
available for both your spouse and the other members of your family.
Concentrate on changing yourself and your outlook rather than fixing your spouse. Not only does this change of
focus create a calmer atmosphere in the home, you may find your spouse reacts to your new independence with
positive reactions.
Seek out a counselor, either for yourself or, if you have a willing spouse, for both of you. While you may not be
able to fix all of the issues you have, you may discover new ways of dealing with the differences. An unhappy
marriage doesn’t have to make an unhappy home.
There are some counseling offices that offer sliding scale fees, based on family income. This is great if you or
your spouse have been avoiding marriage therapy due to financial restrictions. To find a therapist that offer
sliding scale fees in your area, contact your local Chamber of Commerce or your mayor’s office. Don’t be afraid to
reach out to ministers or clergymen at your church. Think you can’t afford counseling? Can you really afford a
divorce attorney?
Look for companionship (not romance or intimacy) outside of your unhappy marriage. You have to make yourself happy
and should not depend on your spouse to do so. Take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to explore or spend more time
with friends. Whatever you do, avoid becoming involved with another person.
Express gratitude at times your spouse makes you happy or does something nice. No need to sugar-coat everything but
one way to cheer up an unhappy marriage is to insert a few joyful moments every now and again. Is your husband a
good provider? Does your wife take good care of your children? Verbalize your appreciation.
If you must criticize or request a change in behavior, sandwich it between two honest compliments. “You have always
done a great job of making repairs on the house. Do you think you could look at the garbage disposal this weekend?
Thank you for working so hard to keep our house up.”
Keep your heart and mind open to loving your spouse. You might be mad about your unhappy marriage but the only way
to make it better is to change your outlook. You can be mad at a behavior but still have love for the person.
Concentrate on that love over your unhappiness.
Write down your feelings and the things that anger you down in a letter to your spouse. You may want to read it to
him or her or simply leave it on their side of the bed.
If you feel you have exhausted all avenues and are still stuck in an unhappy marriage, discuss how you would each
handle a split. Life is too short to live for years in misery.
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